Healing.....

I never thought that I would be trying to figure out how to live without my dad. I am not old, but I'm not exactly young either. I'll be 35 in a couple of weeks, in my family I am beyond middle aged, but I though he would at least see my son graduate high school. I talk about him a lot, I blog about him often, and I Never stop thinking about him. I see, hear, and smell things that remind me of him all the time. My birthday is February 10, his was March 8 (he would be 64 this year), and my older brother will be 43 on March 10th. They were both William, but dad wouldn't do that to a daughter. My brother and I are our father's first born children. See, my brother is the oldest of my dad's first marriage, and I am the oldest of his second marriage. (we both have an older sibling from previous marriage on our different mother's side of the family). Are you getting dizzy? I have seven siblings. I only have one that is full blooded, she is younger than me by 2 1/2 years, and my best friend in the entire world. We have taken care of each other our entire lives, and will until one of us is no longer here. Not something I wish to think about.
My family has been plagued by various forms of cancer for the past fifteen years. I'm not sure why, but I guess it has to be somebody right? Actually, I can't remember not going to a funeral at least once a year since I was about 7 years old.
Most of the early ones were great grandparents and such. People that were "old" and "ready" to die. Then, I found out you don't have to be old to die. My Aunt had a daughter that passed of SIDS. I wasn't allowed at that funeral. But I remember the family devastation. I had an Aunt that was paralyzed due to a blood clot at the base of her brain, and after 15 years in a hospital bed, at the age of 33, she refused life preserving treatment and ended her own life. We used to visit her all the time, I believe I was about 9 years old. I remember, we had to go to the nursing home with the rest of the family and say goodbye to her, then we waited in a little lobby until mom and dad were ready to go home, a few days later we were at her funeral. My dad's granny passed shortly after, then my mom's. It was fairly normal by the time I was 10 years old.
It made for a bit of a grim attitude about life, I'll tell ya. But still, these people were either sick or old, I understood that. Then, I had a friend commit suicide... something I had considered a time or two, but was too afraid of. My family believes that if you kill yourself, you have committed a crime against God and you go straight to Hell, do not pass go. Thank you for that.
When I was 12 or so, my mom's fiancee was murdered, and yet another of my friends died. My friend had been at a party where he passed out. Someone, of course no one knows who, thought it would be funny to blow coke up his nose while he was passed out. They figured it would wake him up, instead, he suffered an overdose. When I was 14, my dad called me to tell me that my favorite "Uncle" had passed away. He was 40 and in a nursing home, the first person I knew who had this horrible disease, cancer. A few weeks later, we had an assembly at highschool about a "new disease" caused by monkeys and passed around by the gay community and needle users. I distinctly remember sitting there and thinking "yea, whatever..... " and something that woman said still sticks in my brain. By the year 2000 you will know at least one person with HIV. She said it would be a far more serious than any type of cancer.
She was right and wrong. About a month later, I got a call from an old friend in my home town. A close friend of ours had died. He had been knifed in a fight in Texas, and received a blood transfusion. Six weeks later he was dead from full blown AIDS. So there it was, She was right.....I was early, but I had someone close to me contract this new disease and it had taken his life. He was 23 years old. The same summer, a girl my sister and I had been good friends with was found raped and drowned in a popular fishing spot, my would be brother in law was murdered, and another friend was run over and dumped in the river. It seemed like my home town was on fire. Even the man who would have been my brother in law today was murdered in 1990, along with my step dad, and a close friend. Not at the same time, about two months apart.

My mom's mom passed away in 1996, she came home from work on May 3. Went to bed, and for some reason, she didn't get up for church. Two things Grandma never missed were church and work. She hadn't called in one single day in over 45 years.
Then, my mom's sister. They were less than a year apart. They had become very close and were both 49 when we found out. She had something called Acute Lymphomatic Leukemia. There wasn't much that could be done. She did what treatments she could, but ultimately lost her battle just after her 50th birthday. It was devastating. My mom had so wanted to be 50 together, they had some big secret plan, but it never happened, and has never been revealed.
It did quiet down as far as actual blood relatives for a bit. However, the void was filled with friends. In one year, I buried five people I knew because of cancer. It felt as though every time I got close to someone, they would get their expiration date. People have asked forever, "If you could know when your last day would be, would you want to know?" I still can't answer that.
 Four years ago, my "favorite" Aunt was diagnosed with colon cancer. They removed 18 inches of her colon. She went through radiation and chemo therapy for about 9 months, and has been cancer free for two years now. When my Aunt, who by the way is only 47 now, was diagnosed, the family was alerted that all women needed to have colonoscopy's. Remember my little sister? She had four polyps that would have absolutely become cancer, and because she was only 30, they said she would have never found out until there was nothing that could be done. Each polyp would have become a different form of cancer.
My sister became pregnant in 2007. She was so excited! She miscarried her twins with a month between the two of them. One in July, the other in August. It was a devastating blow to the whole family. Dad was having his own problems as well, and they discussed him moving in with her which would help them both. He moved in around October or so (with his wife). Things were getting better. Dad had an awesome sense of humor, and was the perfect person to have around if you needed to laugh.
In March of 2008, after dad's birthday of course, my sister and her husband, their two kids, me, and my son went to Florida. It was a two week vacation.... dad called every day, and we sent postcards too. We went to Disney for three days, then over to Cocoa Beach, I even got a photo of the space shuttle launch pad. It was like leaving earth. No problems, no worries, just fun and sun.
My sister had told me that something wasn't right about dad, but she wasn't sure. I had suspected cancer for a while, but never knew how to bring it up. I had told my fiancee for the past few years that I knew dad wasn't going to get "old", it's not in the family line. My Grandpa was the oldest of 6 when he died and he was only 72. Plus, I learned to weld, and knew that my dad's years of welding in a Hane's t shirt was bad. Not to mention cutting galvanized steel without any kind of mask. I told Allen more than once that my dad looked like he had cancer.
My dad didn't believe in doctors. He believed in working and paying his bills and drinking beer. He quit drinking shortly after he moved in with my sister. That was crazy! I knew something was up, but I guess I didn't want to accept it. When we came back from vacation I was giving him a hug and said "where the hell is the rest of you?" When I put my arms around him, he was just skin and bones. My dad had always been 6'2" and 190 solid pounds. This was a scrawny, toothpick of a man I was hugging. I came home that day and told Allen I was scared. My sister and I talked, and she had him almost convinced to go to the doctor like six months earlier, but when his wife got health coverage "It was too expensive to add my father". When you see the post "fat bitch" that's coming up, you'll know who I am talking about.
On May 3rd 2008 I was picking up my son and my sister's kids. Evidently, she was having back trouble as dad was leaving for work, so my mom had her kids. It was a sunny Sunday, and dad worked until about noon on Sunday's, then went to his mom's for a few hours, the bitch was the reason he had to go through this, she was abusive to my grandma, and dad was being pulled between a promise he had made to each woman. He had offered to help my sister out of bed, but she said no, so he brought her food and water..... it was a dog dish! LMAO!!! "In case you get hungry before I get back" he told her. He came home, she was still unable to move. He came in and checked on her and said he would be back early from Grandma's and headed out the door.
When the truck didn't start, my sister, who has a kind of intuition that many don't believe in, had a bad feeling and suddenly the strength to RUN out the door. She found dad in the middle of a seizure in the truck. His "loving wife" was chasing her fucking Chihuahua around the yard instead of calling for help!
I was calling to see if my sister wanted me to take her kids to my house until her back was better, but when my brother in law answered the phone, he said an ambulance was coming for my dad. "WHAT!!!" My dad hadn't been to a doctor since 1974! I left all the kids at my mom's and drove straight down the center lane, horn blowin, flashers going, no stoppin for red lights, just goin! When I got there, the ambulance had just pulled in. I was 5 miles away, the hospital was less than half a mile away... Dad was alert, and had refused to get into the ambulance. At this point, the paramedics could not take him.Then, a second seizure came and went, still, can't take him, he is still alert. Then a third, and he was out. I said "I'm his oldest child here and he is unconscious, if you don't put him in the back of that fucking ambulance, I will! FUCKING MOVE!" At that point, he looked as though he was dead. His eyes were open, but he just wasn't in there. I don't know what happened in the ambulance, but I think he had to be revived more than once. If I had know what we were looking at, I would not have insisted on him going. He just kept telling us not to cry and to let him go. He just wanted to go in the house and lay down and let go. It was truly like a dog laying down in a dark place to die.
All I could think was, maybe it's his heart, they can fix a heart, hell, he can have a new one if he wants to go electronic. I did not want to lose my dad and wasn't going down without a fight!
I drove to my Grandma's which was just across town, she wasn't home. I called my Uncle, he wasn't home either. Ok, go to my brother's his wife is there, he's at work. They were at the hospital within half an hour. First time in ten years all of my dad's kids were in the same place. They have a three visitor limit at the hospital, but never once tried to get one of the twelve people around his bed out.
They ran tests, and did x-rays, and he just wanted to go home. Finally, after about four hours of shit, they came back." Well Bill, You have cancer in your lungs, liver, spleen, pancreas, and brain as far as we can see. We can do a biopsy and may be able to do something, but won't know until we do the biopsy." My dad refused. I was immediately pissed off, terrified, and I don't even know what else. He was down to 130 pounds, and in no shape for any kind of surgery. Anaesthesia would have killed him. I have some medical background from college as well as watching fifteen other people die of this disease.
In the hall, my little sister grabbed the doctor. She said, "He lives in my house, you gotta give it to me straight. What are we looking at?"
That arrogant bastard had lied to my dad. My sister called the rest of us out and made the doctor repeat what he had told her.... "Your father has two weeks, maybe two months left. If we could get him to do the biopsies, we could really use the information for the hospitals research department" You wanna talk about pissed!!! My dad was not a guinea pig! The doctor told us kids that there was very little chance he'd make it through surgery, I'm glad his sick bitch wife was too afraid to take us on. We helped him get home. The doctor never did tell him the truth. My little sister did. I moved out of my house and in with them. I spent every single minute I could with dad.
He stopped being able to eat about three weeks after the hospital. He had seizures for the first two weeks because the doctor "lost" his blood work. They said he had thrush, which was making it to difficult to eat, later we found out that his mouth, throat and lips were busted open because it was cancer coming out on his skin.
His wife would leave when he was up and around, but made sure she was there when a home nurse showed up. My sister and I took care of him. LOL. we even took turns sleeping between him and her. She was not allowed to administer his medications. The day after he was diagnosed, she was at the social security office finding out what he was worth to her dead. If I didn't believe in God I would kill that bitch myself!
Those of you that read my blogs, may have heard this before, and you'll probably hear about it again. I was so close to my dad, and am that close to my mom, I keep waiting for it to get easier, but it doesn't. Dad passed away at home on June 30, 2009.
I got my Associate's Degree in 2003. My dad came to my graduation. He didn't even come to my first wedding, but he was at my graduation. He was there long enough to watch me accept my degree, winked from across the room and slipped out the side door. When he passed, my sister got his wallet. He had 8 kids, 29 grand kids, and 6 great grand kids, the only picture in his wallet was my graduation picture. I miss him more and more everyday, and no longer look forward to spring at this point. I feel him around me sometimes, I even smell him. I know I will see him again, and I know that God will make things right with those that did him wrong. It's still very hard. In late 2010, my dad's sister in law passed away 3 weeks after being diagnosed the same way. My Uncle..... I don't know. He had done his best to take my dad's "responsibilities" over, but now, he's lost his wife of 35 years and is just beside himself. He doesn't share the same faith in God as I do. He's angry, my dad and my aunt were my Uncle's best friends. Now he is alone. I don't get to see him very often, but try to keep in touch with him on the phone. I just wish it wasn't so difficult. My youngest nephew is just five years old, he has his grandpa's sense of humor, and looks just like him. It's to bad he didn't get to know papa better. I know I'm rambling a bit, but you would too. The point of all of this, Please, do not take for granted the time you have with the one's you love! When I asked my dad how he felt when my sister told him how much time had been predicted he said, "You only get a certain number of breaths to take, guess I used all mine. I thought it was Leukemia. I figured I had another ten or twelve years left, guess I came up short BJ". After all that I have witnessed, I would think I would be better at greiving by now, but it's different when it's your parent. I wrote his eulogy, but couldn't read it. I couldn't say anything except "It's official, we no longer have to respect Donna Lemere! As long as I'm concerned, she never existed! Who's with me?" My family cheered, and I haven't ran into the bitch again! Cold, yes. My next blog will explain her...... goodnight.