Let's Integrate Places online!

https://billiegoestonic.wordpress.com/2018/09/12/here-goes-nothin/

Artistic Therapy - Beating Depression

Just some insight into a few ways to deal with depression. Depression is a wide spread word, and "Umbrella Diagnosis" for Many different symptoms, situations, natural reactions, and more.

Often, people don't know, the pain in their back, neck, hip, knee, wrist, stomach, or even the "Daily Migraine", Could Be due to depression or simply being Overstressed. Everyday life can be depressing for many people. Stresses of work, family obligations, bills, medical insurance, auto insurance, food, school;  there are a plethora of situations, that are "normal life", that can help to cause, even the happiest of people, to become depressed.

Often. You'll find "alcohol induced depression". This is MY PHRASE. It's based on science, and over 40 years of Direct experience with alcoholism. They Used to say, alcoholics can be split into 3 groups. That isn't true. However, that's Another paper. I'll just say, there are more like 7 different "types" of alcoholic. 

Is alcoholism a disease? Yes and No. Alcohol is accepted by society, as long as you don't "look" like a Drunk, you are an adult, and, should drink whatever you want. There is a lot of misleading, and not hidden, but, unspoken information about just how dangerous Alcohol Really is. 

If you are a "drug addict". Well, that too.. is another paper. I consider it a disease; a curable, self inflicted disease. But, a Disease, non the less.

Alcoholics and drug addicts,  don't generally start out saying, "I think I'll drink/shoot heroine,  until I lose Everything, and ostracize myself as I get meaner, more forgetful, and less reliable/responsible." 

Often. It's a hereditary trait, from parents, grand parents, great grandparents, and it only takes  a couple of drinks (highs), and, you'll be stuck. This is something people were taught in the 80s, but, Alcohol Rules the US today. Why? Because, being an alcoholic is Easy. Nothing matters, and Those Clydesdales are Expensive. 

There is no beer can that states "may cause addiction". There are warnings Specifically about Addictive consumables everywhere, but, not alcohol. 

Drugs and alcohol are not the only causes for depression. People become addicted to drugs and alcohol as a result of depression, Quite often.

Other causes of depression can be simple, complex, or Natural. 

Some "simple" causes of depression, include:

• Age
• Demographics
• Love/crush
• Looks
• Friends
• Clothes
• Popularity
• Bullied
• Trouble at home
• Puberty
• Life
• Relationships
• Money
• Friends
• Housing
• Bills
• Family
• Responsibility
• Loss of family and friends
• Getting older
• Chemical Imbalance
• Personal Tragedy
• Marriage
• Divorce
• Children
• Grandchildren
• Siblings
• Chronic Illness
• Cancer
• Holidays

---

 As you can see, Many facts of life can create minor to life altering depression. So can, Ignoring a person who is depressed, when they express their very Real concerns.

 By treating a person with depression as if they are looking for "the easy way out",  you may be harming that person further. Inducing, a Very Real, specific form of PTSD. 

Chronic Illness PTSD,  is very real, and, created by people who say Ignorant things like, "Well, you don't LOOK sick", or, "You're just faking it". I Wish I Was! Another is, "just push through it".

I held a demanding, heavy weight, high paced job, that I LOVED, if I could "just push through it", I'd be making "22/hour, to start. That's an estimated guess as, it's been about 15 years, and, I was making 11.70/hour, Then. 

I worked all the hours I could. I held my position, and learned EVERY job in a 300 employee factory. I worked Every available OT opportunity I had. If my Life had to wait, it just did. Unfortunately, so did my son. He was about 9, when I became disabled. And, that's when I went from "primary Bread winner" to Stuck at home mom. 

I say Stuck at home. As... once I wasn't bringing home $300/week, I had nothing to speak of. Yes, take home pay was $300/week, in a town of about 18,000... in 2002. I made good, Honest money. I Remember when my income hit $100k/year, the first time. In fact.. it only happened one time. Otherwise, I had been between 70-85k, for a Few years. 

I was Young too. I wasn't smart. I partied often. I blew alot of cash on Nothing. 

Cashing your check, in a bar, at 7am on Friday- leads to spending 5 to 7 hours AT the bar. That started, as a Group thing. About 4 of us, became 15 of us, fast. And, 2 local bars would MAKE SURE they had cash to cover EACH paycheck. That's A Lot of cash in a 75 person capacity building in a Small town.

I bought my son Anything he wanted, and stuff he didn't. I could jystify my time away, as long as I was buying him things, and taking him to breakfast or dinner. It wasn't until I was off work for a while, that I realized Everything I had missed.

His first words, his first Everything. I Bought his 1st bike, but, I wasn't there when he got on it the first time. And, he never learned to ride a bike. He has mild Autism (no drugs or alcohol during pregnancy- I have Graves Disease, and didn't know THAT until 2014), and, he needed a Parent, not a paycheck. 

I'm his only parent. Or, was at the time. I call the biological man, a sperm donor. Haven't seen him since I was about 9 weeks into my pregnancy. 

Without getting Further off track. I've been accused of Bi-polar manic depression, for 30 years or so. About 12 years ago, a physician decided, I'm bi-polar type 2. In 2013, I was told, I'm Not Bi-polar. I have Graves disease. It has A Lot in common with Bi-polar manic depression, but, is Not, and Requires Completely different medical treatment. 

I have spent the first 25-30 years of my life, Grossly misdiagnosed. Not only, were my diagnosis' incorrect, they were incomplete. 

I Do suffer from depression. I've been sober/in control on rare occasions, for 12 years now. Alcohol, did a number on my life.

My parents, grandparents, and much of my family were alcoholics. Some function, some- not so much. Some jump on and off the wagon. Some, Quit, successfully, but, it's a small percentage. 

We have our share of drug addicts. Some, coke heads, some heroin junkies.. again, some function in society, others, Not so much. I have A Lot of family that is successful, substance free, and happy as well. However, drugs and alcohol are no stranger to me. I've tried quite a few drugs. I used to drink up to 1/2 gallin of vodka, or a 5th of Jack Daniels in a Party. Time was measured by the length if the party back then. If yoy don't go to bed, it's the same party on Sunday, that started Friday... it's a drunken, drug addicts Excuse to keep goin'. 

Why did I do those things? To Escape MY Head. To ignore the crazy in my life. To be "Happier". 

Well. It works! For a minute. A minute, isn't 60 seconds anymore. Not when depression, drugs, and alcohol are involved. There IS no time. 

Hours change to things like "later, tonight, tomorrow, in a couple of days" ... often, as time goes on later turns into Never, and, there's Literally No Such Thing As Tomorrow. 

There are people who don't even know they are depressed. Some still just don't believe in it. There are doctors who Simply don't understand, or, they aren't getting full truths, or there's the "know it all physician" who has Their belief system, and nothing will help. Or, they put you on 3 drugs, And, your Pharmacist will say, "why do you have 3 of the Same script". 

Depression, I Believe, is As Big of a Cash Cow, as Cancer. You need specialists, psychiatrist, weekly counseling, workshops, all kinds of money and appointments, and, let's not forget, the drugs. 

Drugs Designed to make you Happier, and then another to "stabilize" that happy... and another to sleep, when you've had Enough Happy that day. The possible side effects if these medications, even if taken Correctly, is Insane! Most, can Cause psychotic breaks. And, that's often the most commonly listed side effect. Other's can cause life long disability. 

Often, when a person is unwell, or depressed, if they enjoy drinking, they feel better drinking, and I can't say what heroin does, but, cocaine is a truth serum and a wicked set of Rose Colored glasses. 

Neither mix with Any mood drugs. Not in a good way. And, now, you've boarded a deadly rollercoaster that ONLY You, or a dangerously close to death incident, MIGHT be able to stop.

If you want to go into rehab, you better have One Hell of a Bank account. Or, go to jail/prison. In Michigan, there are 2 rehab centers, that I'm aware of, and you Really gotta wig out to get in. Otherwise, they wait for you to become a criminal, and there's A Lot of rehab 'potentially' inside. 

This is how to Try to Avoid the Above. It's my opinion. It's been tried and true. I don't use illegal substances, I don't drink, unless I just Want to, and, I can have 1, 2, 7, 12.. if I choose. I Probably drink 2-3 times in a year, and never more than a few shots of schnapps at one sitting. I'm in a bar Every week, for no less than 8 months of the year, shooting pool on a league, but, I drank pop, which, became water on December 5th 2019- due to long needed dental extraction. My lifestyle, didn't create my health issues. I was born with them. But, my lifestyle, helped to progress every illness I have. 

I was born with visible plaque psoriasis in the 70s. Doctors didn't even know that was possible yet. My body has never been "normal". I jumped in weight, up and down, 60-100 lbs in months, from young childhood until my thyroid was destroyed in 2014. I weigh within 5 lbs, of what I weighed on May 3, 2014- today is December 13, 2019. So, that's not too bad at All. And, interestingly enough. I weigh what I did at age 13 now. I'm 5'4, 160 lbs. At 13, I wasn't 5 foot yet!

I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. I'm told, I was a happy child, but, I don't remember much anymore. Some occasions stick in my mind, but, many are full of violence and fear. I wasn't physically abused, but, my mother was Never safe. 

My own father, was the Most dangerous to her. And, he didn't really try to hide anything. I saw more beatings before I was 10 years old than most people witness in a lifetime. At times, it was Almost daily. 

I love my mom. She's a wonderful mother. On the flip side, I love my Dad too, God rest his soul. That, in and of itself, causes an inner conflict I can't even describe. I was Happy when they Finally divorced. I knew, I had Both parents.. we were headed for a front page story, a funeral, and a prison cell. 

School was tough. Not earning, the assholes in the building. When I was in school, being intelligent Wasn't a "Popular" thing. Actually, being intelligent, often got you beat up. It was Safer to Almost flunk, than to get strait A's. Which I did, until around 6th grade. And, I did it Without issue. Except gym. I have One physical sport I played Well. Softball. I can't jump, never could. I can't run, my legs don't do it. I lied.... I was A Helluva Swimmer. But, my school didn't have a pool. 

I can draw. I can write. I can paint.  And, I can do those things, Anywhere! I can't play softball today. Between the 2 illnesses I've Already divulged, I have Psoriatic Arthritis, Rheumatoid Arthritis, COPD, and Degenerative Disc Disease in my lower lumbar.

I also Kayak- health permitting, and, drive my own motorcycle. I don't take Any mood drugs. I take a thyroid hormone, and 2 types of pain medication. In smaller doses than I Can Have. 

I love my bike. I Have To be able to ride it when I want. So, pharmaceuticals aren't my bag. My goal is to be pill free. 

I do use marijuana. But, I did that for a lot longer than it's been legal. I've researched it for decades, and, I went ahead and did the cannibis grow school, to be a certified master grower, extractor. Since I began the Medicinal routine. It became About health. It's not about being stoned, it's about cell repair and health for me, today. That statement, surprised Me, when it first hit me. 

As far as dealing with depression. I am in No Way saying, go get drugs, alcohol, coke, heroin, ... I'm trying to express the issues that can be involved, and a little personal information so you can see, it's experience and some deep research that I've done, to come to these conclusions. And, by research, I'm not quoting anyone, I'm simply giving you a Theory that I Developed in My head, from my life and education.

My Greatest depression combatant is a pen and paper.  It doesn't matter, person, place, thing, bill, death, idiot for president, ... I'll write a random letter. I'll say thing's I would NEVER Actually say to anyone, I make no attempt to make sense, I simply Write out all of my feelings. 

I go through a Wide range of emotions while I write. To the point, my handwriting changes Drastically. Sometimes, it will lead to a poem, or song, or a short story. Other times, it Simply "cleans my thoughts out".

Once I've completed writing it, how I feel determines whether or not I read it before I destroy it. Then, I'll tear it up, and burn it. That way, it's "gone". It's off my mind too. 

I Keep a journal. But, I don't put my rage in it. If I did, I would have to destroy it. 

My journals are split into about 25 books. And, it'll take someone, 20 years to get them together.

Art, isn't what people Tell you it is. It Is Anything you make with your skills. Fine art, has requirements, folk art, is on the rise.

Immerse yourself in stamps, quilting, dollhouse building, decor, dolls, cooking is an art! Grow a garden, any kind you want. Take a course in something you are interested in. Hell, just take a class. Don't Apologize for who you are. Decide who is a friend, and who are Acquaintances. I have 1000 "friends" - online, I know MOST of them personally... but, I realized long ago. A lot of my friends, are actually, different levels of acquaintances. 

So. Be you. Create Anything, and, be proud of it. Build yourself up. Don't count on other's, because, it won't last. 

Write away things you can't get off of your mind. By All Means, Relax. Life IS what you make it, or whag you settle for. 

I settled for Far too little for a Long Time. MY changes have been in process for a long time as well. The healthier I get, the better life becomes. As I get healthier, I get stronger, as I get stronger, I'm finding myself.

This became Much Longer than I wanted, but, it takes a lot to get here. 

My Favorite "anger cure" is abstract acrylic paint. I could list a bunch of different ways to do it... but.. YouTube has millions of artists, doing abstract tutorials. And, many are so well done, why not send you there! 

Thank you for your time! If this helps 1 person. My job is done.

Should I?

Should I...  Start a business?
Should I.... Continue my Education?
Should I ... Pursue My Art?
Should I ... Continue To Blog?
Should I.... Expose Truths Swept From
                    LOCAL public Eye?
Should I ... Offer A Support Group Setting?
Should I.... Take On A Job, I Can Not
                    Perform Well At?
Should I.... Pretend I Am Someone I Am
                    Not, To Satisfy Other's?
Should I.... Let Go Of Ignorant "Family" Who
                    Project Their Inadequacies Onto
                    Others?
Should I.... Waste MY Time and Energy
                    On Court?
Should I.... Waste MY Time, Trying To Have
                    FALSE People In My Life?

These aren't questions today. Today, I Have Answered each of these for myself. My "family" has decreased, considerably,  however, I have No Use for Showmen....
(Showmen: People who Pretend to be one way, when, in reality, they are simple narcissists waiting for an opportunity to attack those who are, soft hearted, loving, disabled. Unable to "fight" them. )
Unfortunately, my father had several siblings, as did I, who fit this description. 1 of 8 of his siblings... and, roughly, the same number for myself.... do not.

This is more about asking yourself,  "Am I Wasting Time?"

For years. I Did not See how much time I wasted on fake people. So... today... I don't bother. I'm over it. I'm happier without the bullshit and drama that comes from "faking it". I've Always been straight. Either you want me around, or you don't. When my dad, brother, and grandmother were around, those other people pretended to be someone important in My Life. They came to Me. However... Today... I see the Evil, the Jealous, And the Real People. They Are A Special Group. I have a difficult time Believing they are related to my dad, my Uncle, my Grandma, OR my brother...
They are NOT who they showed themselves previously.
I am Thankful that none of my lost family has to witness this.
And, I offer you to ask yourself the same. Look at those around you. When are they there? Why are they there? Do they appear to value you, or... can you sense the falseness...
If you feel it. It's likely warranted.

A Late Night Quickie

Here I am... wide awake at almost 3 a.m. My sleep has been More sporadic than Ever, and, my time loss is much Worse than what is My *normal.
I don't believe in *Normal... when it comes to people, health, life, even Weather. I'm from Michigan.... where, a meteorologist works hard, to be incorrect more often than not. It's *Normal here.
I believe in *Average. Your Average person, place, etc... However, I Also feel the Averages are skewed to look better than what they Actually are.

That being said.
It's not uncommon, for me to misplace time, dates, appointments. This is fairly new to me... and, can be bothersome. I've never fit into any One category of people. I have Always been my Own kind. I try to be compassionate, and, have often been taken advantage of for the compassion I have for others. Not Any Longer. That was sealed in the past few months.

I've suffered a Lot of personal loss to Cancer and other, unnatural death, in my lifetime. I'm Not old, I will be 42, on February 10, 2018.

I have cancer myself. I Also have conflicting autoimmune diseases....
Think about that for a minute.
Conflicting... Auto Immune....
What does that say to you?

Let me give you the briefest, easiest of answers I can:
My body kills itself Faster, the more Powerful my immune system is.
However... Any infection, is Potentially deadly as well.

I have COPD. According to the specialists, Although I am a smoker (trying to quit), I'm not old enough for this to be Caused by smoking. There's not Enough Time, in 30 years to smoke yourself into COPD. I worked in a powder coat factory for 10 or so years, my COPD is considered "Industrial".

Yes, I said I have cancer, yes, I said I smoke. I have thyroid cancer, associated with a blood disorder and Graves Disease. I have had one eblasion session, and, unfortunately, it did not destroy my entire thyroid. So, I will do a second session, and, if that doesn't work, I will Require surgery.

I opted for the treatment I did, due to having psoriasis. Any injury to my skin, could, and lately Has, result in a New patch of plaque psoriasis.

As far as smoking. I Could have lied to my oncologist, when we got my lung x-ray, and she said, "obviously, you're doing Very well without cigarettes" ... I Could have simply thanked her, but, instead, I admitted, over the past 3 years, I'm Still struggling with cigarettes. I guess the answer to the improvement in my lungs, would be, my Scheduled marijuana use. I have the lungs of a Recovering smoker, and 3 less nodules, as the other 4 shrink. Still... I plan to be Tobacco Free by spring at latest. I'm down to less than a pack for 2 days... from 2 packs a day... my doctor, myself, and my son are happy with that for a minute.

I've found, the more I Tell myself, I Really don't want to smoke, I don't like the taste, I don't like the smell... And, the More I have marijuana that Does smell and taste good... the less I crave cigarettes. I believe it's almost All automation of habit now. I burn more away than I smoke, in reality.
Also... it's Quite difficult to make cards, albums, gifts, art, and more... with a cigarette in my hand ☺

One thing I've learned over the years is, we learn Every Day... It never stops. I'm Actually almost out of a pack of cigarettes, and, don't know yet, if I'll even buy a pack. It's a rotten addiction. I Used to get antsy if I was down to 10 cigarettes before bed. Now... if I run out, I'll wait until I am Already going to the store, or my hubby is headed home. So. I guess I'm at that point, where, I just Don't buy any.

If that works. I'll be Ecstatic. I told myself, that, once I quit, Completely... I can put 1/2 of the money away for One year, and, simply Go Shopping. For Whatever I want to. If I manage to get through the day--- and Don't Smoke before my Birthday.... Then, I'll be able to say, I quit Before I turned 42. Which, would be pretty cool.  I would be a 30 year smoker, recovered, and, by summer, I will feel like a new woman.

Will that solve my problems. No... But, it Will help me to continue to strive for a better life.

I didn't mention psoriatic arthritis or rheumatoid arthritis, or fibromyalgia, adult ADD--- directly caused by mis dx and 5 years of incorrect medications.

I've never felt the need to list all of this. I don't need pity... nor do I want it. I'm just late night rambling. Life could be worse. That's Always absolutely possible. I don't see any reason to cry over the way I live. I'm Happy, often... I get depressed.. who doesn't. I hurt, so do 100000s' of people. I have obstacles to overcome. Cigarettes, being my Worst Today... is impressive. I've quit more things than most have tried.

I'm 100% disabled... But, I'll find a way to reverse that too. I like making 80k a year, not 12k. I Also don't receive Any help from Any agency.. I pay my Medicare, and all of my own prescriptions, as well as student loans. So... I hope you read more than "I'm disabled" .. I don't babysit replies, but, I Will Not have disrespect.

I'm in a long term relationship. We have our ups and downs,  and, that's what makes it real. I own my home, and I'm a crafty person. I only Recently got into the world of die cutting --- however --- That's brought a new element to all of my crafting and catering abilities.

As I said, this was a simple, late night thought. Feel Free to comment.. or not...
I often "free type" .. I won't even edit before I post it. it's raw, it's Real, even if it rambles a touch.

Have a Beautiful 2018!!

Special Announcement!!!!

https://www.linkedin.com/feed/update/urn:li:activity:6356745351088738305