Here I am... wide awake at almost 3 a.m. My sleep has been More sporadic than Ever, and, my time loss is much Worse than what is My *normal.
I don't believe in *Normal... when it comes to people, health, life, even Weather. I'm from Michigan.... where, a meteorologist works hard, to be incorrect more often than not. It's *Normal here.
I believe in *Average. Your Average person, place, etc... However, I Also feel the Averages are skewed to look better than what they Actually are.
That being said.
It's not uncommon, for me to misplace time, dates, appointments. This is fairly new to me... and, can be bothersome. I've never fit into any One category of people. I have Always been my Own kind. I try to be compassionate, and, have often been taken advantage of for the compassion I have for others. Not Any Longer. That was sealed in the past few months.
I've suffered a Lot of personal loss to Cancer and other, unnatural death, in my lifetime. I'm Not old, I will be 42, on February 10, 2018.
I have cancer myself. I Also have conflicting autoimmune diseases....
Think about that for a minute.
Conflicting... Auto Immune....
What does that say to you?
Let me give you the briefest, easiest of answers I can:
My body kills itself Faster, the more Powerful my immune system is.
However... Any infection, is Potentially deadly as well.
I have COPD. According to the specialists, Although I am a smoker (trying to quit), I'm not old enough for this to be Caused by smoking. There's not Enough Time, in 30 years to smoke yourself into COPD. I worked in a powder coat factory for 10 or so years, my COPD is considered "Industrial".
Yes, I said I have cancer, yes, I said I smoke. I have thyroid cancer, associated with a blood disorder and Graves Disease. I have had one eblasion session, and, unfortunately, it did not destroy my entire thyroid. So, I will do a second session, and, if that doesn't work, I will Require surgery.
I opted for the treatment I did, due to having psoriasis. Any injury to my skin, could, and lately Has, result in a New patch of plaque psoriasis.
As far as smoking. I Could have lied to my oncologist, when we got my lung x-ray, and she said, "obviously, you're doing Very well without cigarettes" ... I Could have simply thanked her, but, instead, I admitted, over the past 3 years, I'm Still struggling with cigarettes. I guess the answer to the improvement in my lungs, would be, my Scheduled marijuana use. I have the lungs of a Recovering smoker, and 3 less nodules, as the other 4 shrink. Still... I plan to be Tobacco Free by spring at latest. I'm down to less than a pack for 2 days... from 2 packs a day... my doctor, myself, and my son are happy with that for a minute.
I've found, the more I Tell myself, I Really don't want to smoke, I don't like the taste, I don't like the smell... And, the More I have marijuana that Does smell and taste good... the less I crave cigarettes. I believe it's almost All automation of habit now. I burn more away than I smoke, in reality.
Also... it's Quite difficult to make cards, albums, gifts, art, and more... with a cigarette in my hand ☺
One thing I've learned over the years is, we learn Every Day... It never stops. I'm Actually almost out of a pack of cigarettes, and, don't know yet, if I'll even buy a pack. It's a rotten addiction. I Used to get antsy if I was down to 10 cigarettes before bed. Now... if I run out, I'll wait until I am Already going to the store, or my hubby is headed home. So. I guess I'm at that point, where, I just Don't buy any.
If that works. I'll be Ecstatic. I told myself, that, once I quit, Completely... I can put 1/2 of the money away for One year, and, simply Go Shopping. For Whatever I want to. If I manage to get through the day--- and Don't Smoke before my Birthday.... Then, I'll be able to say, I quit Before I turned 42. Which, would be pretty cool. I would be a 30 year smoker, recovered, and, by summer, I will feel like a new woman.
Will that solve my problems. No... But, it Will help me to continue to strive for a better life.
I didn't mention psoriatic arthritis or rheumatoid arthritis, or fibromyalgia, adult ADD--- directly caused by mis dx and 5 years of incorrect medications.
I've never felt the need to list all of this. I don't need pity... nor do I want it. I'm just late night rambling. Life could be worse. That's Always absolutely possible. I don't see any reason to cry over the way I live. I'm Happy, often... I get depressed.. who doesn't. I hurt, so do 100000s' of people. I have obstacles to overcome. Cigarettes, being my Worst Today... is impressive. I've quit more things than most have tried.
I'm 100% disabled... But, I'll find a way to reverse that too. I like making 80k a year, not 12k. I Also don't receive Any help from Any agency.. I pay my Medicare, and all of my own prescriptions, as well as student loans. So... I hope you read more than "I'm disabled" .. I don't babysit replies, but, I Will Not have disrespect.
I'm in a long term relationship. We have our ups and downs, and, that's what makes it real. I own my home, and I'm a crafty person. I only Recently got into the world of die cutting --- however --- That's brought a new element to all of my crafting and catering abilities.
As I said, this was a simple, late night thought. Feel Free to comment.. or not...
I often "free type" .. I won't even edit before I post it. it's raw, it's Real, even if it rambles a touch.
Have a Beautiful 2018!!
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